


Of Noble Heart And Mind

by GoswaldTheGargoyle



Category: Megamind (2010)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2018-08-10 05:37:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7832425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoswaldTheGargoyle/pseuds/GoswaldTheGargoyle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roxanne, rather than Hal, is gifted with superpowers. This is the story of what happens next.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Weird Day #1

_The day after the Metro Man museum blew up…_

“This must be it, Hal! It’s the only building in the city with a fake observatory!” Roxanne exclaimed excitedly, pointing at the google maps tab on the laptop in front of them.   
“Wow, you really are as intelligent as you are beautiful! We should celebrate!”  
“Perhaps we could leave that sort of thing until after we’ve handed Megamind over to the authorities?”  
“But I did hire a clown, and the wedding photographer is costing a fair bit of money to keep on standby…”  
Roxanne’s expression had gone from excited to ‘What the frick?’. There was an awkward silence.  
“Hal, perhaps we can concentrate on apprehending the supervillain ruling our city before considering… stuff like that?”  
“Yes, of course! I’ll stay back here and make sure he doesn’t escape…”  
Roxanne had already gotten out of the van and started walking towards the warehouse, getting her phone out as she went.  
Hal got a text. _It’s Dave. Your cheque bounced. I’ll need $400 by next week._

_A few minutes later…_

“Give that back, it’s mine!”  
“No, I won’t let you use it for some nefarious plan!”  
Megamind seemed to have more strength than Roxanne originally thought. She needed backup.  
“Bernard! Help!”  
This seemed to inexplicably throw off Megamind’s concentration slightly, and the strange gun swung towards her. Roxanne tried to grab more of it to wrest it out of his grip.  
Then, there was a loud BANG, something hit her in the navel, and the floor rose up to meet the back of her head.

She came to being carried in a set of wiry, formally suited arms.  
“Bernard?” she asked groggily.  
“It’s ok, Roxanne, we’re nearly out of that terrible (but well-decorated) place.”  
“What happened?”  
“Megamind was in shock after the gun fired at you, and in the confusion I was able to grab you and get out.”  
This explanation made no sense at all, but she accepted it anyway.  
Just after they got out of the secret entrance, Hal ran up to them, his expression full of concern.  
“Roxie! Are you all right? I would have come to help, but I had to fight off some ninjas…”  
Bernard gently put her down and steadied her as she wobbled a bit upon standing.  
“I’m fine.” she reassured the both of them. “Thanks to Bernard, I was able to get out safely.”  
In fact, the grogginess of a minute ago had eased completely, and she felt even better than fine, but Roxanne was unsure about voicing this observation aloud. Bernard looked pensive.  
“Are you sure that you don’t feel any kind of symptoms? There’s no way of telling what Megamind had in that gun...”  
“I guess some sort of serum, but it seems it didn’t work. Seriously, I’m fine. And we’ve made good progress today. If we show up a little more prepared next time, we may even be able to take down Megamind properly!”  
Bernard still looked worried, so Roxanne gave him a hug.   
“It’s ok Bernard. There’s hope.”  
“Of course. Perhaps you should go and get some rest before we plan further?”  
“Excellent idea, Bernard. Would you be up for lunch tomorrow perhaps?”  
“Yeah! Sure. I mean, um. Of course.”  
They exchanged goodbyes, and Roxanne started to walk back to the van, and heard in the distance the voice of Hal, saying “Hey, do either of you have 400 dollars you could lend me?”

_That evening…_

Roxanne felt pretty pooped when she got back to her apartment, so decided to order in some takeaway. By some miracle, none of Megamind’s antics had touched her favourite takeaways, despite ruining the businesses around them, and that was a fact for which she was vaguely grateful.  
Just after she’d finished eating the noodles she ordered, she suddenly felt wildly disoriented. Then, cramping pains started in her arms and legs, and she fainted clean away, with her last thoughts being ‘Dammit, not again’.  
This time, she came to with her face smushed into the living room rug. _Ow._  
Roxanne got up, and managed to do it with a gymnastic agility and speed that she hadn’t had since early high school. She looked down at herself.   
Well, it wasn’t the same body she’d had back in junior year.  
She thought for a minute, and decided that an early night might make this weirdness and sudden extra fitness go away.

Meanwhile, back in the lair, Megamind refused to admit to swooning and/or reacting like a teenage girl.  
“No, Minion, this is a perfectly valid reaction to the poetic justice of my former victim becoming my new nemesis! Stop giving me that pointed look and raising an eyebrow!”  
“If you say so sir, but you are going purple.”  
“Shut up! Put on your wig!”


	2. Weird Day #2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May or may not contain Attack Hamsters. Proceed with caution.

_The next morning..._

Roxanne stumbled out of bed, still wondering if the previous night was a particularly weird dream. She looked in the mirror and saw that her body was indeed several times more muscular than 8 hours ago. Maybe this entire day was still just a weird dream.

This theory was further supported when the door exploded, revealing Minion in a wig and “best mom” apron.  
Immediately behind him, a small, brightly coloured man with a huge white quiff walked in.   
“Hello Roxanne! I am your space dad! I sent you to this earth to learn about justice and courage and…” He was quickly cut off.  
“Wait, what?”  
“Yes, your space dad! Anyway…”  
“Why is Minion with you?”

There was a brief pause before Minion replied in a hasty, high-pitched voice:  
“No, I’m not Minion, I’m your space stepmom! Churro?”  
“She’s right, after all, as you can see, Minion has no hair while your space-stepmum has the long flowing locks I fell in love with!”  
Roxanne shushed him and looked a little smug.  
“No, see, the correct answer is ‘who is Minion’?”  
He looked bashful. The two figures looked increasingly uncomfortable as ‘space-dad’ started talking increasingly quickly.  
“OK, as your space dad, I have cameras on... the moon, letting me see into your news sites using... microwaves?”  
“Code: I think we’re losing her, Sir!”  
“Minion, you’re not helping!”  
“You’re breaking character, boys” Roxanne stage-whispered. Meanwhile, the being who was now clearly Megamind continued to verbally backspace.  
“No, see, this is all a test to test your willingness to accept your powers! You have passed! Now, we must return to our spaceship to, um… Code:run for it!”  
Both figures turned and beat a hasty retreat, ‘Space Dad’ turning suspiciously blue as he did.  
After a few seconds of silence, the sound of running upstairs was followed by Minion walking in with a new door.  
“Terribly sorry about this Miss Ritchi”  
“It’s ok, Minion. By the way, has that disguise ever actually worked?”  
“Well...no. Not as such, no.”  
“I thought not..”  
“ But Megamind keeps trying it. I think we just need someone really stupid to use it on.”  
“Well, um, good luck with that! By the way, one last question?”  
“Of course, Miss Ritchi?”  
“Why are you still wearing the wig?”  
Minion struck a pose.  
“I feel it really brings out the colour of my eyes, you see?”  
She nodded, not quite sure what else to say. As Minion waved a cheery goodbye and went downstairs, she went to the fridge and pulled out the strongest drink she had.  
Today had _better_ be a really weird dream.

_Three hours later..._

Roxanne was nowhere near as memory-erasingly drunk as she had planned to be. Not for lack of trying, of course. Nor for lack of visiting the off-license round the corner. She was still horribly sober.  
She decided to bite the bullet and call for some assistance.  
 _Minion…. Maybe?_  
Megamind… would capture her. Again.  
Hal… no. Just no.  
Wait, Bernard’s an expert on Megamind and Metroman, isn’t he?  
She dialled, and Bernard picked up surprisingly quickly.  
“Hello, Roxanne, are you feeling better after yesterday’s escapades?”  
“Um… You’re probably not going to believe this.” 

_Meanwhile, in the Lair…_

After organising a time to meet up with Roxanne, Megamind ended the call. Minion was waiting patiently nearby.  
“The plan proceeds, sir?”  
“Oh-ho, indeed it does Minion, indeed it does! Now, we need to plan out our next steps.”  
Minion gestured for him to go on.  
“So! As my alter ego Bernard, I invite Miss Ritchi to a local restaurant. But what she doesn’t know is that we, the night before, transported the real restaurant to deep space and replaced it with a fake restaurant staffed entirely by robots! As she goes to order her food, they will release sleeping gas into the wine, causing her to fall deeply asleep, at which point we take her to an underground fake Metrocity, disguise ourselves as FBI agents named O’Sullivan and Riperton and convince her she is a genetically cloned life-form made from technology from Roswell and her previous life was a series of implanted memories! Minion! Get your FBI wig and apron!”  
“Sir… budget?”  
“Damn it! Do you think she’d be fooled by a fake cardboard restaurant?”  
“Not really sir, no.”  
“I guess that if she can see though our brilliant Space Dad and Space Stepmom disguise, she can see through anything. Her journalistic skills are just too great!”  
“Yes, sir, that was the main problem with your brilliant disguise…”   
“Glad you agree! So, backup plan?”  
“What you could do is go to the restaurant as Bernard, talk to her and offer to help her?”  
“And then I surprise her with a swarm of attack hamsters!”  
“Sir, you know you’ve been banned from the pet store since the Incident last month…”  
“Ok, fine, we’ll go with the boring plan. Get me a suit! Spoilsport...”


	3. You know that was inappropriate, right? Right? No?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (see the title!)

Roxanne arrived at the restaurant at about the same time as Bernard. She’d deliberately chosen to wear her most form-hiding hoodie and baggiest jeans so as not to appear conspicuously different. She put on a cheery air as he approached.  
“Thanks for coming, Bernard! You seemed like the best person to ask about this weird day…”  
“Ok, I think I know what you mean. Let’s go someplace private and you can take off your jeans and hoodie.”  
“What?!” Roxanne exclaimed. Perhaps she hadn’t heard it right?  
“Well, we can do it here in the restaurant if you want, but I thought you might prefer somewhere more private?”  
“What the hell, Bernard?”  
“I don’t know why you’re getting so agitated! I just suggested we go somewhere private, maybe a bathroom or my bedroom, and you take off your clothes!”  
“...”  
“I can take off mine too, if it would make you feel better?”  
“Why?”  
“Er… I think you know?”... “Ow, my head!”  
Bernard had now received a slap in the face.  
“Ok, if you don’t want to talk about your powers, then I’m not sure why you called me here.”  
There was a moment of silence. Then Roxanne spoke.  
“You do realize how you were coming across, right?”  
“... No?” said Bernard, with genuine sincerity and the expression of a kicked puppy. His green eyes were filled with confusion and innocence.  
Roxanne sighed and facepalmed.  
“I feel like we need to have a talk at some point. Till then, though, let’s talk somewhere more private. Only talk, though!”  
“Well of course. What else would we be doing?”  
“You really don’t get it, do you?”  
“Get what?”  
_Poor innocent child._ Roxanne thought. _Was this guy raised in a box or something?_

_In private (at Roxanne’s apartment) (fully clothed)..._

“So I was right! You do have super-powers!”  
“Um… Yes?”  
“Do you happen to know which ones?”  
“Um…” she nervously hovered about 3 feet above her original sitting place.  
“So you can fly. And the fact that my cheek is still smarting probably means you have super-strength too, especially if your hand is feeling fine from the whole ordeal.”  
“Yeah… Sorry about that. You genuinely don’t know why that was offensive?”  
“You thought the hoodie looked really good on you?”  
“I can tell you now, that was not it.”  
“Okay, so that’s a question for later. A more pressing question is what are you going to do with your new super-powers. Our city is down a superhero…”  
“Um... “ Roxanne looked even more nervous than before. “To be honest, I really don’t like the idea of fighting Megamind. To be fair, I don’t really like the idea of fighting anyone.”  
“But it’s Megamind! He’s been hurting the city for weeks now! He stole all the ducks on the county fair!”  
Roxanne made a confused expression at that last comment.  
“I mean- ransacked the art gallery!”  
“I guess… if I’m the only hope to take down Megamind… It would be helping to protect the people of the city.”  
“With my expert knowledge of Megamind, perhaps I could help train you to defeat him.”  
He said this softly, and had such an expression of hope in his eyes. Roxanne decided to humor him.  
“Okay, I’ll do it. But only to take down Megamind. I’m not doing this for a day job. I like my journalism career.”  
“But of course. I’m gonna go see if I can go design a costume.” Bernard got up to go.  
“Wait up! You don’t have to do that!”  
“Please?”  
“Perhaps send me a design idea instead? I’d like a final say in what I wear.”  
“Oh! Of course you would! I’ll send you some ideas as soon as possible!”  
They arranged to meet up the next week for Roxanne’s training to begin, as Bernard said he needed a few days to organize a curriculum. Then the two went their separate ways, and Roxanne wasn’t sure if she noticed Bernard skipping slightly as he went down the hall.

_Later, when Megamind got back to the lair…_

“Minion, prepare a curriculum for Miss Ritchi! Also, if you have a minute, I have a few questions for you… What do people do in private with their clothes off?”  
Minion never had looked more fish-like than in that moment.


	4. The magic banter bus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxanne's first training session is a little confusing.  
> Also, ice cream deals

_The next saturday..._

EPIC BANTZ  
BANTERSAURUS REX  
ARCHBISHOP OF BANTERBURY  
Were the bullet points on the surprisingly swish set of powerpoint slides Bernard showed Roxanne that morning.  
“Bernard, are you sure this is the best topic to start with? Shouldn't I be learning to control my powers and such like?”  
“Not bad! But the extra explanation kind of dragged it out. A proper bant is short and snappy!”  
“What?”  
“No, right idea, but that just sounded confused. Try again, but go for sassy this time”  
“Is..is this some kind of attempt to go all Mister Miyagi on the training? If so, you’re nowhere near old or asian enough for that.”  
“Ah! See! That was a zinger! You do have it in you!”  
“Zinger?”  
“You know, a one liner, a snappy retort, a pulling-a-peter-parker, a driving in the banter bus to the banticlimax, a…”  
“I get the point. So… this is an acting thing?”  
“This is beyond acting: this is opening your soul to the barbed zingers in your heart!”  
“Well now you’re just being melodramatic. Very good impression of Megamind, there.”  
At this Bernard broke into an unexpected coughing fit.  
Once he’d stopped coughing, he replied “Well, he may be a terrifying, brutal, surprisingly handsome evil genius, but he is an expert on bantering!”  
“But why do I need to learn this stuff? Couldn’t I just catch him and hand him over to the authorities mid-monologue?”  
“That sounds disturbingly like nonverbal banter! That’s quite high-level, as a beginner I’d recommend sticking to just verbal sparring for now.”  
“What the hell is happening here?!”  
“See, you are getting it! Well, that was a good lesson, I feel! Here’s a list of premade lines for standard superfight situations for you to go over. I’ll see you tomorrow for, I dunno, learning about your powers or something.”  
Roxanne then found herself quite swiftly standing outside of the warehouse they had met in, very confused indeed.

_Later that afternoon…_

Roxanne was in the freezer aisle of the corner shop, pondering what to have for dinner while she marathoned Netflix. Just as she picked up a pizza, an eerily familiar fog began to fill the store and loud rock music started up.  
“Not again!” she sighed exasperatedly to herself, put the pizza in her basket and started to look at the ice cream.  
“I HEAR A NEW SUPERHERO IS IN TOWN” a booming voice shouted.  
“Hi Megamind,” Roxanne replied nonchalantly, “it looks like the Cookie Dough ice cream is off sale again.”  
“NOOOOOOO- I mean, curses!”  
The loud microphone stuttered for a moment, then the booming voice started again.  
“SO, DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS NEW SUPERHERO IN TOWN IS?”  
“Nope, not the foggiest idea.”  
Megamind looked a little thrown.  
“ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE?”  
“Quite. By the way, if you still want to do the half price on ice cream deal, we could combine our baskets if you pay me back later?”  
“I AM NOT HERE FOR GROCERY SHOPPING! I ONLY USE HALF THIS FOG WHEN GROCERY SHOPPING!”  
“Whatever, man. It’s your call.”  
“OK, I WILL GO AND FIND THIS NEW SUPERHERO. AND IF ANYONE REMEMBERS ANY IDEAS THEY HAVE ON WHO HE- _OR SHE_ \- MIGHT BE, THEY SHOULD CONTACT ME! OH, AND MISS RITCHI?”  
At this, the shopkeeper was a little worried. He might be silly, but Megamind was still a supervillain. Him wanting her personal attention couldn’t be a good thing…  
“IF YOU ARE STILL WILLING TO DO THE ICE CREAM DEAL, THAT WOULD BE _VERY CONVENIENT_!”  
“Ok. But you owe me a fiver.”


	5. Looking for a mind at work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> History is happening in Metrocity   
> and we just happen to be  
> in the greatest city in the world!

Unfortunately for Roxanne, there was only so much sick leave she could take without a doctor’s note.

Mike Hael, Chief producer of the Metro City News Network, had not had the best week. Megamind had vanished into his fortress, there was no sign of any new superheroes, and he’d had to assign his best reporter to a story on protein shakes, after which she had been “off sick” for several days. His current choice of opening stories was now down to “Megamind: Is his head still blue?” or “Metro City Man claims to have Pope in his fridge”.

As he tried to decide which story to use to signal the end of his career, the aforementioned best reporter walked in.   
“Hey Roxanne. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Any progress on that protein shakes story?”  
He looked up, to see that in the course of a couple of days, Roxanne had gained muscle. A lot of muscle. So much, in fact, that it looked like she could bench press his desk and not break a sweat.  
“I guess you’ll be writing a good review, then”, he said after a few moments.  
“Um, yeah. It made me feel quite sick for a couple of days, but I’m feeling a lot better now. I’ll have that report ready for this afternoon.”

Roxanne started to leave the office, when she heard Mike’s phone ring behind her. He made one of the few happy noises she had heard him make over her career as a journalist.  
“Finally! Ok, Roxanne, you can forget the protein shakes. Megamind is back! He’s robbing a bank downtown. Get that creepy Hal dude and go report!  
Also, as part of an ongoing exclusive report by MCNN, when you get there...could you check if his head is still blue?”  
“But Mike, won’t that be evident on camera?”

\----

Megamind (still blue) had, as of this present moment, spent $30 million on creating a device to access the $15 million held in the bank vault.  
As he watched his new vault-punching robot do its work, he cackled triumphantly.  
“At last! Miss Ritchi will be unable to resist this caper! She’ll be here any minute now! I wonder, will it be the classic burst through the ceiling, or a more avant-garde step dramatically from the shadows?”  
He was not expecting the even more avant-garde strategy of “show up in a news van in her civilian identity, with her cameraman”.

“Miss Ritchi! I wasn’t expecting you to show up here!”  
“Why not? I am a news reporter. I report the news”  
“Are you sure there is nothing else you would be…” Megamind finally noticed Minion frantically shaking his head and miming ‘shut up’. “I mean, of course there isn’t! This is the most newsworthy thing in this city!”  
With a wave of his hands he set off the “News-worthy Fireworks”.  
Roxanne, who had seen the “News-worthy Fireworks” enough to get somewhat desensitised, continued the interview without blinking.  
“Normally, you set those off ten minutes earlier. Were you not expecting reporters? Anyway, what are you doing?”  
“Funny you should ask, Miss Ritchi! Alas, I have learnt from my past mistakes, and will not reveal my plans to anyone this time!”  
“Well, if you don’t want an interview...”   
Roxanne turned to leave the bank.  
“Although, in a show of fairness, I will reveal my plans to you alone!”

Minion sighed, and started putting the money back in the registers.

“As you can see, Miss Ritchi, I have built this robot that punches metal! Only Metal! I hope to fix this design flaw later! After it has shattered the vault, I will steal the gold bars, take them to the corner of 4th and 3rd street and make them into a vaguely obscene golden statue to insult the elderly of Metrocity!”  
“Corner of 4th and 3rd street?”  
“Yes! With my advanced metal-and-only-metal punching robot, I can get there in a mere half-an-hour!”  
“To commit crimes?”  
“To commit many crimes!”  
“And how do you plan to escape the police?”  
“I have a teleportal in a tree at the scene! If I touch the tree, I will be jumped back to my home base at once!”  
“So, just to be clear- 4th and 3rd street, in half an hour, with the escape method in a tree?”  
“I see you have grasped my plan at last! Now minion! We flee!”

Megamind lifted into the air, Minion sadly hovering behind him.

_Half an hour later, on the corner of 4th and 3rd street, next to a recently cut-down tree..._

As Megamind was having his hands locked behind his back, Roxanne wandered up, with Hal following behind her.  
“One last question, before you are dragged away?”  
“Anything for my adoring fans!”  
“You do know you were on live tv when you told me your plans, right?”  
Megamind stopped, his mouth open. Roxanne pulled out a sparkler.  
“It’s not quite a “News-worthy Firework”, but I hope it underscores the occasion somewhat”  
As Roxanne walked away, Megamind thought of saying something, but decided that as she was a beginner superhero he should avoid doing flirty banter just now. Best to stick to the basics.

_Prison, 12 hours later._  
As Megamind implemented escape plan number 446 (the one with cybernetic attack bananas and backup dancers) he waited for minion to burst out of the giant cake he had been smuggled into the prison inside of.  
As they climbed into the car, Megamind cackled again.  
“So, unlike the brawn vs brain conflict of my previous rivalry, it seems I now have an intellectual challenger! A foe whose brain rivals mine! Our battles of wits will be legendary! She will be the Moriarty to my Holmes!”  
“You do know Moriarty's the bad guy, Sir?”  
“Not according to my _many works of fanfic!_ ”


End file.
